I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
