Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
