meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
