Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
