its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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