If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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