Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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