Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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