he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
