You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
