Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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