she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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