I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
