we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
