I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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