I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
