I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize