I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
