apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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