You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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