ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
