You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
