I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
