I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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