Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
