Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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