i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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