omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
