i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
