also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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