Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
