Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
