that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
