why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
