see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
