saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
