with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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