My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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