I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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