But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
