i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
