Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize