He uses pillows to masturbate.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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