somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
did i walk over a car last night?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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