guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize