my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
