In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
