I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
