i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
