I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
