Your face is a jimmy john
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
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