Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
