Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
