the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
