I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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