I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
