sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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