I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
